Friday, December 2, 2011

How to be an ass (and win parent of the year) in 19 easy steps.

1. Instead of going to the park, storytime at the library, the YMCA to workout, or any other wholesome healthy kid appropriate activity, decide intstead to spend this beautiful sunny morning getting a pedicure. With your three year old along. Even though you could wait ONE MORE DAY and go on your own on Saturday.

2.Feel smug as your three year old boy child is a DELIGHT during your pedicure. He is charming the pants off everyone in the place. You are totally doing this! He is sitting and chatting and behaving and playing with your phone. You have completely ignored your self-imposed rule to always avoid taking a child to a non-child friendly place and it is working out great!

3. Sit your Smuggy McSmuggerson self down in a chair with your toes under that purple light so they will dry faster. Think to your self that you have turned a corner! After 10 years of dragging a small child around everywhere and planning everything around this fact, the smallest child is not so small anymore and you can do things like get pedicures on a Friday! This is totally aweso...


5. Realize child has touched that purple light thing with his fingers. Even though he is sitting right next you and you are totally talking to him and holding his other hand he has still somehow managed to touch the one hot thing in the entire room.

6. Scoop him up, saying, "Shhhh. Sh. Sh. Sh. You're ok. You. Are. O. K." I mean how hot can that thing be? Your toes are right under it and they are not hot. Try in vain to find exactly where he is hurt but his hand looks fine. Keep telling yourself that. HE IS FINE.

7. After a minute, since he is still crying, hoble over to the sink with your pretty red (for Christmas!) toes and run his hand under the cold water.

8. Look at his fingers repeatedly, even though he screams every time you pull them out of the cold water to do so. Finally see the two angry blisters on his pointer and middle finger.

9. Somehow leave the nail place. You have blacked out the details but your level of embarassment and chagrin is exactly equal to the smugness you felt five minutes ago. You ass.

10. Drive to Target. Yes, Target. You have to go to the other boys school in an hour to drop off their lunches and you don't want to drive all the way home and then back again....whatever. Drive to Target.

11. Get ice from the Target Cafe, put it in a cup and have him stick his hand in the cup as you walk over the the pharmacy to ask if there is anything else you can do (note: not really)

12. Grab some ibuprophen, open it and give him some right there in the middle of the aisle. The pharmacist said it might reduce the pain and you are hoping that the idea that you are giving him some "medicine" to "make it feel better" might help him calm the hell down. This totally breaks your other self-imposed rule of never opening things in the store before you pay for them but hey, breaking the rules is really working for you...keep it up!

13. Look at his hand again and realize how cold his fingers are. Wonder how long it would take to get frostbite by keeping your hand in a cup of ice. Since you don't really have a better option at the moment, stick his hand back in the cup of ice.

14. Look around for a toy or something to disract him (ok...let's be honest. It is to allieviate your guilt) but in the end DECIDE AGAINST BUYING IT. Why? I don't know, because you are an ass.

15. Feel grumpy about the fact that your pedicure is probably all messed up from putting on your shoes too soon and walking around Target.

16. Come thisclose to leaving the store without paying for the ibuprophen but realize it at the last minute. Feel grateful that you did not have to add "Watch your mom get arrested for shoplifting drugs" to the list of things he will have to tell his therapist someday.

17. Realize you are totally going to write about this for the internet. Add that to his therapy list as well.

18. Make him go with you to take his brothers lunch instead of taking him home to watch Mickey Mouse and get the "boo boo bunny". (You don't really have a choice about this but whatever...he is whimpering, "I just wanna go hooooome" in the back seat. Mentally kick yourself for not having your act together this morning and making the older boys' lunches before they left for school).

19. Finally get home. Give him the boo boo bunny and turn on Mickey. Check your toes and feel cheered that they aren't messed up as bad as you thought they were going to be.

Hope your Friday went better than his did! (He is totally fine by the way...he is running around just like normal. I mean, he still has blisters on his fingers but other than that...)

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